Wednesday, 13 February 2013


I've written you a sort-of song about Judd Apatow's sort-of sequel Think yourselves lucky.

Things get really tough when you're 40
Yesterday you were happily 39
Then holy shit you've turned 40
And that's like probably half your life.

Now you need Viagra to get a boner
Even though Leslie Mann is fucking fine for her age
Despite having two kids with the dude behind the camera
I mean, come on Rudd, get it up and in bruv.

Now you've realised money's tight
Been too generous with your cash
Gotta tighten up as your 40
And soon you'll be dead and your kids will have fuck all left.

Better start exercising and get out on your bike
Wearing all the gear makes you look better
Even though you actually can't ride for shit
But don't worry because it's all funny and at least you are trying.

Next head to the doctors and let him check you out
Make a gag whilst fingering your arsehole
And laughing whilst his face is basically in your cunt
Now you feel better, because being 40 makes you more prone to life-threatening illnesses.

The children are getting in the way
You want a cheeky blowy or a quickie before the school run
It fucking sucks being 40
Still wanting sexual adventures despite feeling too old.

Relationship is getting strained
Things keep bubbling over
Time to step back and re-assess
Pretty difficult when you are 40.

This song probably sounds like
That I'm taking the royal piss
And that This is 40 is a pile of dogshit
When actually it's Apatow's finest film to date.

Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann are excellent
Plus the supporting cast are great
The script is beautifully balanced
And its often hilarious and sincere.

So go see This is 40
It's one of the best movies about relationships
And one of the strongest pictures I've seen this year
I'm gonna stop typing now, as I've run out of ideas.

You can send my Academy Award for Best Original Song via Royal Mail. Fuck you Adele, you don't deserve shit. Bitch.

Monday, 28 January 2013

MOVIE 43 Review

Featuring perhaps the biggest and best ensemble cast in recent movie-going history, Movie 43 is a masterclass in comedy filmmaking; a picture so original, so smart and so side-splitting that any of its comedy competitors will be left quaking in their boots.

With Oscar-worthy performances from Gerard Butler, Johnny Knoxville, Christopher Mintz-Plasse and the sensational Jason Sudeikis, this is a rare breed of hilarity - a film to forever treasure, revisit and adore...

Movie 43 is so unbearably awful, so monumentally unfunny and so totally fucking depressing, it may be the worst cinema experience I've ever had in my entire life. 

Nobody should have to damage their brains and burn their retinas with this steaming pile of dogshit.

If this isn't amongst the worst films of 2013 by December then I don't want to be a film critic any more.

Bieglow, bin Laden & the Backlash...

I realise I have been MASSIVELY negligent with the site recently so please accept my apologies, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, hope you've still keeping your resolutions and so on... 

Anyway now that's out the way; one comes to you with a topic for great discussion and it regards Kathryn Bigelow's utterly masterful Zero Dark Thirty which was theatrically released in the UK last Friday. This is probably a fucking dumb thing to say seeing as we are only 28 days into 2013, but this is undoubtedly the best picture I've seen this year so far and I'm actually glad I didn't get to see it in 2012 or my top 10 list would have been turned upside down, and I could not be dealing with that shit...

If you've left the house over the past fortnight, chances are you would have read an article or overheard a discussion regarding Zero Dark Thirty and whether it is either pro-torture, a propaganda piece or a means to glorify war violence. All of these three things are utterly false and incredibly incorrect, but that hasn't stopped the media jumping on Bigelow's film like a pack of hungry, politically-correct wolves. Here are just a few titles from a quick search on Ask Jeeves...I mean Lycos, I mean....Google.

No, this image has not been edited. I can assure you of that.

So yes, there are massive speculations and suspicions, with many batting against the film rather than for it, but as previously mentioned, these comments are not factual nor essentially correct, they are actually rather misjudged opinions.

During the opening 20 minutes of Bigelow's near three-hour spectacular, there are some scenes of torture; nasty, painful scenes. Scenes which will make you grimace, scenes which showcase the psychological and psychical horrors of war. An early interrogation presents viewers with water-boarding  followed by involuntary stripping and being shoved into a small box for umpteen hours. This is a tough pill to swallow, but that's the whole fucking point. None of these things sound remotely fun and are not projected in any ways to seem desirable or entertaining, they are merely a dramatisation of recent cultural and political history.

In a film that's deemed to be 'propaganda', you'd expect Jessica Chastain's Maya; a woman who dedicates ten years of her life to finding Osama bin Laden, to have a huge blow-out when the Navy Seals finally get the bugger in May 2011. Perhaps she and her pals would take a dump on his body and burn it before getting slaughtered in some dingy Pakistani bar...yeah, that's not what happens. I've seen propaganda films, in fact I've seen so much Nazi propaganda it's worrying, and one can tell you categorically that Zero Dark Thirty is not a project of this calibre - bin Laden's death is handled with great respect and grace; he is merely part of a job that needs to be 'completed' for lack of a better word. Nothing offensive or provocative is screened, nothing ill or judgemental is presented.

However it isn't just the media who have been cruel to Bigelow, the Academy voters have too by not nominating her for Best Director at the 85th Oscars this year, and this must be partially down to the torture debates. How could a group of United States voters not want to award a woman who has captured on film their biggest political and public safety achievement in recent history? It's utterly insane. Plus Zero Dark Thirty is one of the best examples of directorial cinema for many-a-year. Most filmmakers would be proud, better yet honoured to touch the towering heights Bigelow smashes with her exceptional procedural drama. Film classes and schools around the world will reference this great work long after all this hype dies.

In some respects, the controversy surrounding the film is probably doing it favours; more people are talking, so more people are watching, which equates to more money and more essentially free promotion, but I hope those visiting their local multiplexes are going because they want to see this fascinating, arresting and completely captivating film rather than just hoping to jump on the bandwagon of backlash. 

In the war on Bigelow, I'm proud to stand by her side and confront the oncoming storm.

Zero Dark Thirty is in cinemas nationwide now.