Chris' Worst 10 Films of 2012


As always with the good comes the bad and 2012 has been no exception; in fact the last 12 months have showcases some truly horrible films, let alone bad ones. The picture above shows Skyfall and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 but NEITHER of these are in the list so don't worry too much. Anyway here's the 10 most repugnant, offensive and downright abysmal films. Enjoy, I guess..


10.


Safe House
(dir: Daniel Espinosa - USA/South Africa - Cert: 15 - Universal Pictures - 115 Mins)

I still quite haven't worked out how a film starring Denzel Washington, Ryan Reynolds and Vera Farmiga could be so uninteresting but alas, Daniel Espinosa managed it with Safe House - a mindnumbing, vacant and impossibly stupid crime thriller which offers absolutely no thrills WHAT-SO-FUCKING-EVER. As well as Denz sporting the dumbest haircut of the year, his performance is riddled with clichés and he's clearly choke-held by the lifeless dialogue he is forced to spurt. Safe House deserves to be locked away.


9.

 

The Three Stooges
(dir/s: Bobby & Peter Farralley - USA - Cert: PG - 20th Century Fox - 92 Mins)

I cannot find the words to express just how painstakingly awful The Three Stooges is; sticking razorblades in your eyes and anus would be more fun. This video perfectly sums up what watching this sack of shit is like:


8.


The Devil Inside
(dir: William Brent Bell - USA/Italy - Cert: 15 - Paramount Pictures - 83 Mins)

I wish these found-footage horror films would just FUCK OFF. The only one released in 2012 worth seeing was V/H/S and that was far from perfect. Perhaps the worst thing about The Devil Inside is just how fucking stupid it all is; the plot is practically nonsensical as well as non-existent, the direction is headache-inducing and the so called 'performances' are as authentic as that D&G watch your nan bought you from Turkey. It's a diabolically misjudged and unneeded mess.


7.


Act of Valor
(dir/s: Mike McCoy/Scott Waugh - USA - Cert: 15 - Bandito Brothers - 110 Mins)

How on earth did Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 - The Movie become Ultimate Sausage Fest: or How Americans Anally Porked Each Other before Celebrating their Supposedly Great Country? One can only assume Act of Valor didn't mean to come across as the year's most self-indulgent, homoerotic, cliché-ridden and unbearably fucking shit film, but that's certain the version I watched. I left the cinema feeling like I'd just been on Take Me Out with a gang of raging gays in military attire. It's god-awful.

6.


Paranormal Activity 4
(dir/s: Henry Joost/Aeril Schulman - USA - Cert: 15 - Paramount Pictures - 88 Mins)

First Paramount made us suffer through The Devil Inside and now Paranormal Activity 4? I retreat my earlier statement; it's Paramount who need to FUCK OFF. I can't take any more of these films; if a fifth one arises (which sadly it probably will as so many go and fucking see them), I will outright refuse to watch it. I entered this one kicking and screaming, I ain't going back for another round. They aren't even fun to rip on; they are just so CATASTROPHICALLY, UNCOMPREHENDINGLY and UNE-FUCKING-QUIVOCALLY TERRIBLE.   


5.


That's My Boy
(dir: Sean Anders - USA - Cert: 15 - Columbia Pictures - 116 Mins)

The two worst things about That's My Boy are as follows:
1. It's 4 minutes shy of TWO HOURS LONG; two whole hours of Adam Sandler. You can't wish that sort of pain upon anyone.
2. It stars Andy Samberg; someone I love dearly. What are you fucking doing man!?


It's horrible, disgusting, vile, putrid, aimless, dire, lifeless, despicable, relentless, indulgent, hateful, itching, poisonous, sexist, unbearable, scummy, agonising, crippling, demented, obtuse, disrespectful, tiresome, blood-curdling, vacant, misogynistic, miserable, wretched and above all else, SO CUNTINGLY UNFUNNY.

4.


Dracula 3D
(dir: Dario Argento - Italy - Cert: TBA - Film Export Group - 120 Mins)

It's just so bad I don't even want to type about it. I wanted to cry whilst watching. Below is a video which is undoubtedly superior to this film; a movie directed by one of horror's most beloved filmmakers, and one of my favourite directors...


3.


Jack and Jill
(dir: Dennis Dugan - USA - Cert: PG - Columbia Pictures - 91 Mins)

The two worst things about Jack and Jill are as follows:
1. It's 1 minute over AN HOUR AND A HALF; 90 minutes of Adam Sandler. You can't wish that sort of pain upon anyone.
2. It stars Adam Sandler TWICE. FUCKING TWICE. DEUX CUNT. DOUBLE. TWO. 1+1.

It's horrible, disgusting, vile, putrid, aimless, dire, lifeless, despicable, relentless, indulgent, hateful, itching, poisonous, sexist, unbearable, scummy, agonising, crippling, demented, obtuse, disrespectful, tiresome, blood-curdling, vacant, misogynistic, miserable, wretched and above all else, SO CUNTINGLY UNFUNNY.

2.


Everyday
(dir: Michael Winterbottom - UK - Cert: 15 - Film 4 - 106 Mins)

The World's Smallest Violin: The Movie, Miserable Northern People Who you Couldn't give a Fucking Toss About, Adventures of the Most Irritating and Dramatically Intrusive Score - all of these titles would be a better description to educate audiences about Everyday; easily 2012's most frustrating, badgering and downright side-poking film.
It's so apocalyptically terrible that I actually thought the ground would open up and eliminate the human race whilst watching. You'll want to batter both John Simm and Shirley Henderson and tell them to MAN THE FUCK UP constantly. The worst thing about the film though it's it's horrendous, ear-crushing score which practically attempts to eye-rape you; it's constant and unwanted presence is desperate to make you cry, but when what's being presented on-screen is about as interesting and compelling as a fart, it's hard to feel emotionally connected. I hated Everyday; in fact, I hate more and more every single day - it's a truly despicable work.

1.


Keith Lemon: The Film
(dir: Paul Angunawela - UK - Cert: 15 - Lionsgate Pictures - 85 Mins)

Here's a list of things that are more fulfilling, more fun and more human than sitting through the unbearable, repulsive and utterly horrendous Keith Lemon: The Film:
  • Practice Satanism and offer up your loved ones to the Dark Lord for sacrifice
  • Stand in front of an on-coming bus and beg to be run-down
  • Be repeatedly kicked in the privates for 85 minutes
  • Get a job in B&Q that lasts for 60 years and refuse any kind of retirement or pension plan
  • Be suffocated, broken and eventually eaten by a Boa Constrictor
  • Leave your children in the care of Gary Glitter
  • Watch 150 hours of Jersey Shore with Japanese dubbing whilst papercutting yourself
  • Get fingered by Edward Scissorhands
  • Become a member of the BNP
  • Repaint your house, your neighbours house, in fact; repaint every house on your street
  • Set fire to your face and consume 500ml of rat poison 
  • Become a Meth addict
  • Listen to the Crazy Frog's version of Axel F for an entire week on repeat, through headphones which you cannot remove whilst being whipped, punched and starved.
All of these things are better for you and indeed this planet than seeing that disgusting cunt prancing around like a cunt with a band of z-list 'celebrity' cunts patting each other on the back for being supposedly funny cunts. The cunts. I'm off to wash my mouth and my keyboard out with soap...


1 comment:

  1. hahaha I consider it a measure of my good taste that I've only seen two of these! Both the found footage horrors! I really like the Paranormal Activity films though even though deep down I realise they are garbage!

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