Chris' Worst 10 Films of 2011
Wherever there is good, bad is always lurking miserably around the corner waiting to ruin everything. 2011 was like all cinematic years, a tale of ups and downs. Well, now here's my list of the 10 worst and most useless movie entries of the year.
(dir: Lone Scherfig - UK/USA - 107 Mins)
Boring, inadequate and unbelievable are just some of the words the pop into mind when thinking about Lone Scherfig's battering of David Nicholl's wonderful novel 'One Day', but the real reason why this film is so poor is because of how easy it is to hate Jim Sturgess' Dexter and how easy it is to laugh at Anne Hathaway's TERRIBLE English accent; in fact, it's so bad, she makes Dick Van Dyke in 'Mary Poppins' seem like Derek Jacobi.
(dir/s: The Farrelly Brothers - USA - 105 Mins)
Being a huge Owen Wilson fan, one was terribly upset to see him underselling and undervaluing himself in this leery and painfully unfunny 'comedy'. Jason Sudeikis is about as funny as piles and the wonderful British talent Stephan Merchant is underused and totally redundant. This is gross-out comedy at it's most recycled, illogical and down-right pointless. Avoid like the plague.
(dir: Bruno Dumont - France - 110 Mins)
This film is the dictionary definition of 'pretentious' - so much so that it is virtually impossible to tell whether it is serious or merely a parody of itself. In fact, this film is the reason why so many are bias toward French cinema; filled with blank, empty stares, heavy breathing and moping around, 'Hors Satan' is so boring and tedious that it almost induces pain. Some will moan "You don't get it, this is a spiritual and moving account of suffering!" when really it's just utter dribble. I wanted it to end after 6 minutes and had to endure another 104. Dumont could use this instead of Chinese water-torture.
'Paranormal Activity 3'
(dir/s: Henry Joost/Ariel Schulman - USA - 84 Mins)
Please, for the love of God, make it stop. The wonderful pair behind 'Catfish' (2010) stab their documentary careers in the heart with this terrible and utterly ridiculous 'horror' prequel-to-a-prequel. Filled with YouTube jump-scares and various kitchen items dropping from the ceiling, this is about as terrifying and indeed interesting as 'The Hoobs'. If the inevitable fourth entry occurs, please leave me be - I can't take it any more.
(dir: Raja Gosnell - USA - 103 Mins)
Teaching children who to use profanity is something that needs to be taught from an early age according to Raja Gosnell's disgustingly bad adaptation of 'The Smurfs'. Virtually every line uses the word 'Smurf' as a replacement for an expletive including "I'm gonna Smurf you up!" and "Where the Smurf are we!?"
It's also even sadder to see a comedy genius like Neil Patrick Harris attached to such garbage. Kids will love it for it's vibrancy and silliness, but adults will want to pull their eyes out and stamp on them repeatedly.
(dir: Gonzalo Lopez-Gallego - USA - 86 Mins)
The American version of 'Hors Satan' - no, it's not a film about two people moaning, it's about two astronauts on a secret expedition that formed the reason why the US never re-invested in travel to the Moon. The reason they decided not to go back is because of how BORING this adventure was. At 86 minutes, 'Apollo 18' feels like a lifetime littered with awful dialogue, ridiculous clichés and 'scares' that wouldn't even shake a leaf.
After it's reasonably promising trailer and great promotion, I was actually rather excited for this picture but the only excitement I experienced was upon leaving this utterly pointless and horrendous movie.
(dir: Daniel Barnz - USA/UK - 86 Mins)
Sadly, another Neil Patrick Harris entry, but this time he is pretty irrelevant. What is important however is just how terrible 'Beastly' is as a whole. What tries to be a modern telling of 'Beauty and the Beast' ends up being 'High School Bad Make-Up with so Many Problems'. Alex Pettyfer's Kyle/Beast looks unbelievably ridiculous - he isn't a monster, rather a poorly stapled gimp-mask, plus his acting skills are certainly not shown in this baggy, one-dimensional performance. Vanessa Hudgens is also unbearably awful in this dismal affair.
Rather than behaving and leaving this timeless story alone, writer/director/idiot Daniel Barnz has forever tainted it. Kudos.
'The Hangover Part II'
(dir: Todd Phillips - USA - 102 Mins)
If this film had a 'Friends' title, it would be called 'The One Where They do Everything Again in the Exact Same Manor Without any of the Laughs, Charm or Surprises the Infinitely Superior Predecessor Had'.
Perhaps the worst thing about Todd Phillips remake (it's not a sequel, I'm sorry, it's just not), is that is almost proves Hollywood executives right; that audiences will be suckered in and depart with their cash and watch despicable, recycled trash and that we as viewers can easily be manipulated and fooled by Hollywood. It's a deeply concerning and depressing truth.
'The Hangover Part II' provides no laughs, no brains, no spark and no originality; instead, it is a series of edits that were scraped from the brilliant first picture's cutting room floor, glued together in an all-too-similar fashion and in doing so, became the world's most successful R-rated comedy in history. I just hope not that many people unwrap this for Christmas - it would be a terrible, terrible gift.
'Just Go With It'
(dir: Dennis Dugan - USA - 117 Mins)
Trust Adam Sandler to bring you down and show you just how depressing life is. Gruesome twosome Sandler and Dennis Dugan offer audiences another steaming pile of misogynist dung with 'Just Go With It' - a film bursting at the sides with unfunny and offensive gags, atrocious dialogue and equally awful acting. Throw in a Sport Illustrated model, a mind-boggling bad Nicole Kidman cameo and a dance sequence that shows the world just how ugly women are if you aren't a size 6 and there you have it, a box-office smash-hit.
Sandler's films show viewers everything that is wrong with supposed 'comedy' yet audiences keep coming back which is a soul-destroying truth. This is the type of film that belongs six feet under; not a single human being should have to witness such hate which is passed off as 'family entertainment'. I have a screener of the disgusting pair's latest film 'Jack and Jill' which I just cannot bring myself to watch yet - I really do not want it to spoil my Christmas.
'The Human Centipede 2: (Full Sequence)'
(dir: Tom Six - UK/Netherlands - 88 Mins)
The giant cherry on the Poo Cake is a film that contains a lot of...well, poo. Cinematic imbecile Tom Six presents us with his second entry of his 'Human Centipede' franchise and unbeknown to him, he has crafted the most idiotic, profound and aimless work of the year. Labelling this film 'disgusting' or 'horrific' is merely handing it praise in the form of buzz-words so one will not do that. Instead, one shall mock the living daylights out of it.
This is a checklist of UN-PC content designed to shock and appal rather than tell a story or grow characters - just because you have stitched 12 people anus-to-mouth and then anally raped the rear centipede member doesn't mean you have made a film Tom, you have simply formed an ugly and ludicrous mess. Six also believes his latest is 'artistic' as it is presented in black and white - well it isn't, whatever colour you capture poo and blood, it is still just poo and blood, it does not bear any other significant meaning or present anything else, it's just bloody poo.
I cannot express my hatred for this utter tripe any more; it has no redeeming features or qualities and it is not worthy of your time and effort. Spend those 88 minutes doing something with your life rather than giving them to Tom Six who will gag, stab, have barbed-wire anal intercourse with and vomit on. What a nice guy - I should invite him over for tea...