I've spoken about the best films so far from 2012 but I haven't offered you my five picks for the worst entries this year. I'm not a man to disappoint so here they are in all their ugly glory.
(dir: Andrew Stanton - USA - 132 Mins - Walt Disney)
Good God. What an earth were Disney doing throwing $250 million at this mess. Horrible dialogue, one-dimensional characters, impossibly boring landscapes and an even more tedious narrative. No amount of brilliant CGI can stop John Carter from being a head-smacking, eye-gouging and mindlessly stupid affair. Stick with Pixar Andrew mate.
(dir: Maddona - UK - 119 Mins - Semtex Pictures)
Trust Madge to incorrectly document history, have characters that seem sympathetic with Hitler and still manage to work in some of her terrible, unfitting music in the process. Watching W.E. is a painful, itching and uncompromising experience; it's a film laden with poor performances, dodgy accents and even worse direction and scripting. I'd love to erase this tripe from my brain.
Act of Valour
(dirs: Mike McCoy/Scott Waugh - USA - 110 Mins - Bandito Brothers)
Easily the most unintentionally homosexual release of the year. If people are thinking Magic Mike is gay, watch this. Act of Valour provides audiences with 'real Navy Seals in real situations' which only means one thing - they cannot bloody act. This is snarlingly patriotic pap which borders on propaganda. It's noisy, messy, incoherent and above all else, unbearably boring.
The Devil Inside
(dir: William Brent Bell - USA - 83 Mins - Prototype Pictures)
There aren't enough words to explain how poor The Devil Inside is; it fails as a horror, as a 'documentary' and as a 'found-footage' feature. When you leave a screening with the audience booing, it's fairly clear the picture is a total dud. This is a baggy, predictable and an often laughably poor attempt to provoke jump scares when it could have actually told a relevant, believably and frightening story. Avoid like the plague.
Jack and Jill
(dir: Dennis Dugan - USA - 91 Mins - Happy Madison Productions)
The world would be a happier, funnier and friendlier place if Adam Sandler and Dennis Dugan did not exist. I would rather watch The Human Centipede Part 2: Full Sequence on a loop for 100 days rather than sit through this again, and I psychically and mentally despised that film - that proves just how bad Jack and Jill is.